there is a reason I’m single and it’s called my face
a chemist walks into a restaurant and says “i would like a plate of sodium acetate because that looks like NaC2H3O2 which looks like nacho lol.” the waiter says get the fuck out of my restaurant you god damned geek
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some girls do a messy ponytail and look like magical fucking fairy princesses
i do a messy ponytail and i look like a goddamn founding father
that’s fucking badass and if anyone tells you differently you should declare independence from their stupid ass
When people choose a person over you and then when they have no one else they come running back to you. No, fuck you. Fuck you for not being there for me when I needed you. fuck you for never making an effort to see me because you had someone else
Ellen DeGeneres handing out pizza at the Academy Awards while Brad Pitt follows behind her with paper plates and napkins.
What a time to be alive.
attempting to hide your desperate need for breath after a short flight of stairs
if you ever want to hold a boys hand, just tell them you could beat them arm wrestling. they can’t back down from that challenge
i was kinda hoping that i’d be rich and famous by now
i am pretty much 3% human and 97% stress
do you ever feel like you’re just sort of
like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and like people that like them back and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends and instead of doing all that you’re just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn’t really care if it was gone
like you just sort of exist but you don’t really mean anything